My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
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[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.