My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
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Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.