My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
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He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
new shirt idea
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.