My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
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“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
For the ones in the back.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope