My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
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There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
OH. COME. ON.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.