My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
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*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it