my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
You Might Also Like
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
guys i’ve cracked the code
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret