@JoParkerBear

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

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@ObscureGent

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

@RadWizzy

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

@Donna_McCoy

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

@OllyiConic

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

@bananagrvyrd

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

@UnFitz

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

@chuuew

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

@VancityReynolds

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.