My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

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[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.


“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.


Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.


Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.


People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.


You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.


ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?


Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.