my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
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[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!