My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
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So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song