my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
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Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
For those that worship cheese..
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Husband of the year 😂
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect