my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

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Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King


Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.


Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.


[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys


[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look


Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.


Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.


Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.


*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*



Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese