my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
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So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
This can never not be funny 😭😭
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.