My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
You Might Also Like
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…