My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
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[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout