My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
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I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago