My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
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ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
i hate you platonically
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!