My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
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Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.