My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
You Might Also Like
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.