My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
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I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
My favorite female superhero
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind