My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
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To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
That eye roll….
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’