@ANastyGorilla

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

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@HushJared

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

@mom_tho

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

@dmc1138

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

@RealSudoNim

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

@VerifiedDrunk

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

@samalmightysam

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

@adamthislife

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

@_kayditty

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

@katiefzack

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.