My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
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me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Message from the dog groomers
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.