My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
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“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”