My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
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Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Batman v Dracula
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.