My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
You Might Also Like
Oh boy, $150,000!
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Barbie gone wild
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.