@BadMikeyBad

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.

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@LurkAtHomeMom

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

@HatfieldAnne

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

@ClarkSpringheel

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

@jannable9

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

@TheIronSherk

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

@ArfMeasures

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

@pleatedjeans

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

@1par8head

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

@Brampersandon_

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit