@BadMikeyBad

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.

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@BigJDubz

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

@mattgallo123

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

@UNDEADTRESOR

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

@mrjohndarby

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

@TheAlexP

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

@Contwixt

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

@tastefactory

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

@mommajessiec

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

@ojedge

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]