Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
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It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one
me: i see
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]