My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
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Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale