My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
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This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.