My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
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You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Breaking news:
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.