My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
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I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
The first matador
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing