@suzieQ0007

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

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@McJesse

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

@egg_dog

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

@CopBroughtPizza

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

@0ne_1980

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

@MisterD78UK

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

@StarWarsProblms

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

@UncleDuke1969

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

@Delta3_Actual

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

@xLiserx

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.