My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
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[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.