My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

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Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:


imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.


and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE


I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”


She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.


Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*


me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*


“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”


Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.