My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
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Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Bless you
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
My god she’s good.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING