The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
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If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?
[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.