My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
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ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
181.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Ha
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Looking at you, Jesus.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.