My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
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Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Livid.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.