my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
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I falcon love using swear birds
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
i wish i could marry a nap
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
My beach vacation Google searches
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.