Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
You Might Also Like
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan