@velvettusk

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

You Might Also Like

@CindyNoPants

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

@LuvPug

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

@AnOrangeSNES

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

@leannuh

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

@JediGigi

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

@iwearaonesie

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

@dreamthievin

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

@NewDadNotes

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

@online_shawn

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan