My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
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I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic