@CindyNoPants Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
@velvettusk My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
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@CindyNoPants 
@LuvPug Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
@AnOrangeSNES “Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
@leannuh *first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
@JediGigi Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
@iwearaonesie “They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
@dreamthievin I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
@NewDadNotes Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
@trevso_electric Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
@online_shawn Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan