My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
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I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
sry
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.