My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
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ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
My neck, my back, my…
Lmfao
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.