*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
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Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?