My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
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I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.