My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
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Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein