my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
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how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
True freaking story!
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once