My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
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*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
wtf is a larm clock?
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”