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If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
plums roundup
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
What fresh Hell is this?!?
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…
Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born