My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
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Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside