My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
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Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
So the ex texted me
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB