My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
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I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍