My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
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Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it