My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
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i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Based Erika
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
SF is the wild wild west man
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?