My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
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Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
No one :
Me when I swimming :
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
new record!
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.