My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
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Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.